This Is The Scent Of Dead Skin On A Linoleum Floor...

Don't Hold Me Up, Now. I Can Stand My Own Ground. . .

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 23:21:37 GMT

Sorry for not posting in a few days. . .

Let's see, Thursday was our Drama Club One-Act performance.

Our play, Hands Across The Sea, won best actress, mainly because Nora kicks ass at anything she does.

So, after the play, we went to Eat N Park. (It's tradition.) We had a lot of fun. I didn't get home until 1:00 AM.

Friday was boring, though. . .

I just came home after school and watched Batman Begins and The Dark Knight and fell asleep around 9:30.

However, Saturday. . .

Great day.

I woke up around noon and cleaned my room. After cleaning, I took a shower and went downtown for a Rocky Horror meeting with a few of the other cast members.

We ended up running around downtown and taking turns riding in a wheelchair, before coming back to my house.

We came back to my house for a few hours and then went back to the theater to get ready for Rocky Horror.

It was one of the best shows we've put on. I played Dr. Frank-N-Furter.

After the show; Jeremy, Adam, Nora, Lindsay, Kristyn, and I all piled into Nora's car and went to Eat N Park, again. (Like I said, it's tradition.)

So, we spent about two hours there, then, came back to my house and watched Family Guy and played Apples To Apples.

Sunday, I slept all day.

I woke up yesterday morning and ended up not going to school, because, my mom was put in the hospital in the middle of the night and nobody found it necessary to inform me on this.

So, I was home alone, last night and I'm alone, tonight, also.

I just got back from rehearsal for our Spring musical, Wonderful Town.

I think I might go take a nap or something.

Yeah, that sounds nice.

Bye.

The Kid Was Alright, But It Went To His Head. . .

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 04:34:41 GMT

So, I had the biggest fight I've ever had with my mother, earlier today.

She blames me for my depression. I guess I've done all of this to myself, on purpose?

I'm sure. . .

Whatever, I put that bitch in her place.

I mean, I admit I'm really not stable. But, I really prefer not to be rescued, I'm the only person who can help myself, but, I just don't know how. Nor do I really want to.

And then she had the nerve to say that I'm not going to matter to my friends a year from now, once I'm done with high school, I've accepted the fact that some of my friendships won't last after high school, but, to say that Trevor doesn't care about me, that's a fucking bitch move.

If she even knew what that kid has done for me, she'd change her mind pretty fast.

Anyway, yeah, I stayed at home, today and wrote lyrics and what not.

I got a pretty good song out of it. So, I guess when I have band practice, next weekend we can work on it.

I really don't have much to say, about my day, because I slept most of the time. . .

If I continued writing, this would be a really boring entry.

So, goodnight.

They Say The Captain Goes Down With The Ship. So, When The World Ends, Will God Go Down With It. . .

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 03:00:36 GMT

I fucking hate living here.

My mom is most likely one of the biggest bitches living.

A. I'm sick as hell and she still yells at me for whatever she can.

B. She won't let me go to school, tomorrow. And, I have dress rehearsal for the play, and, she said if I go to that, she'll pull me out of the musical, so, what the fuck?

C. She makes up shit to bitch at me about, just so she can have someone to bitch at.

D. I absolutely detest her girlfriend, because she's a fucking idiot. And, I hate Native Americans, so, that just adds to my reasons for hating that bitch.

I am thinking about packing up and leaving, tonight.

Probably go to Trevor's or something. I don't know. I just can't be here, anymore or I really am going to kill myself.

I'm just not who people want me to be. . . I can never win. So, should I give in or change and remain a burden to those around me?

I take partial blame for why I'm like this, but, it's not all me. I'm not the only one who fucked me up.

I don't know, anymore.

I haven't opened up to many people here, and, that's why I have LiveJournal, so I don't have to. I hate bitching to my friends because, I don't want it to get annoying.

If people only knew what my home life was like, it'd be a completely different story.

I spent my day in bed, watching mid-'80s movies, and, discovered that someone stole my copy of The Breakfast Club. You have no idea how pissed I was. That's seriously the number one rule in the teenager handbook. When you steal someone's The Breakfast Club DVD, you're hardcore breaking the teen code.

But, yeah, I watched Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Sixteen Candles, and Weird Science.

I'm probably about to go to bed.

Not like it really matters, I'm not going to school tomorrow, anyway.

I am really hungry, though.

I don't know.

Anyway, goodnight.

Don't You Wish That You Could Be A Fly On The Wall. . .

Sun, 15 Feb 2009 21:36:38 GMT

Dude. . .

I haven't written in about five months.

Happy fucking Valentine's Day.

So, I spent my day with two of my best friends.

Trevor and Lindsay are pretty much the best ingredients for a perfect Valentine's Day.

So, let me tell you how the past five months have been. . .

- I have completely changed. I'm so happy. Although, I did think about killing myself, last week. I just couldn't find anything that would kill me fast enough.
- Michelle and I broke up in October. Don't turn into a bitch, just because we're engaged. That doesn't mean I won't still break your heart.
- Transferring to this school is the single most amazing decision I have ever made.
- I've been in three plays. All majorly successful in which I had lead roles.
- I'm part of our local "Rocky Horror" shadow cast, as Riff-Raff. (Although, I'm playing Frank-N-Furter, next weekend.)
- I've had a few crushes since Michelle and I broke up. I dated a girl named Erinn for a couple months, but, it turned into a huge mistake.
- I'm done looking for a relationship, I'm letting them find me.
- I've done a complete transformation on my outlook on life.
- I've made the most amazing friends, ever.

I'm head over heels in love. It's not going away, anytime soon. She's been my everything for years, I finally told her on Christmas Eve, and, we've been trying to sort shit out ever since. But, I have no idea if it's going to turn into.

We've spent the past month fighting.

Trevor's been helping me through it all, which is exactly why he's my best friend. I've never met anyone as amazing as him.

But, not matter how many times we tell each other we're done, we're always back to square one.

I still can't get her off my mind.

So, yeah, about the whole thinking about suicide, last week. . .

I was just really upset, because, I don't know where the fuck my life is headed, anymore. I've had a couple angry breakdowns, where I just get pissed off and breaking things that I own, screaming, punching anything in sight. . .

Yeah, it's probably not healthy, but, I'm okay.

Well, I'm going to finish this up.

Trevor got me sick. . . What a bitch.

I'll update again, tomorrow.

Bye.

I'm Dying To Breathe In These Abundant Skies. . .

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 21:18:07 GMT

My first day of school was great.

I love this school. I'm not too worried about making friends at this point, because, I've got two years to do that.

I'm more concerned about finding all of my classes.

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So, I fell asleep last night, so, I'll tell you how my second day was.

I made a fuck-ton of new friends.

Hung out with a few of them after school, turns out one of them is the manager of the Rocky Horror shadow cast here in town, and, asked me if I was interested in playing Riff-Raff.

I'm pretty excited.

But, yeah, I love this school.

But, I am leaving for my dad's, so, I'll update either sometime this weekend or on Monday.

Bye.

It Kills Me To Watch This Fade, And I Realize It's All Charade. . .

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 01:40:42 GMT

I'm back.

Sorry for the delay. (I'm sure you care)

I went to my sister's for a few days, and, I've just been busy with other stuff.

But, anyway, I'm doing well, I'm semi-happy. I don't know why, but, I am.

I start school tomorrow, I'm pretty excited. I'm a bit nervous, because, it's a new school, but, I'm still excited.

I'm worried about how I'm feeling about being in a relationship at the moment. My heart feels like a Phoenix, it's dying, and it will rise again from the ashes, with a new love. . .

It's not that I'm not in love with Michelle, because, I really am.

But, I don't know, it's probably just a phase. We all have our fair share of those in our lives.

Anyway, I'm getting to bed early tonight.

So, I'll return tomorrow with how my first day went.

Goodnight.

I'll Show You What It Takes To Control You. . .

Thu, 21 Aug 2008 04:20:54 GMT

So, I got my wisdom teeth cut out this morning. I slept until 7:00 PM.

I'm actually in no pain what-so-ever. That's good. I was drugged for a very long time, obviously.

When I finally woke up, I began texting, and, I then realized that I had texted Michelle, well I was heavily drugged earlier on in the day. It's not safe to give a heavily sedated teenager a cell phone.

Most embarrassing text ever.

She thought it was great, but, me, not so much.

Haha.

My exact words;

So fuckubg druged i love yuo baby how bout a blowjay?

I felt terrible.

Haha.

I keep licking the stitches, is that okay, or not?

I was terrified when I went into surgery today. My paper said I wasn't supposed to eat or drink anything eight hours prior to the surgery, well, I had some Ramen Noodles at 3:00 AM and my surgery was at 9:30 AM, and doing otherwise could be life threatening.

Well, no eating or drinking?

Ramen Noodles are like a fucking double-whammy.

But, I'm fine, so, it doesn't matter.

Haha.

Well, I'm going to go to bed.

Goodnight.

I Won't Be Taking Bullets, Because, My Enemies Are Already Gone. . .

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 04:35:16 GMT

Boring day.

Monthly therapy session, today.

Same opening question;

How are you?

Same lie;

I'm doing better.

Yeah, that's all my day consisted of.

But, don't worry, I have entertainment.

I have the soundtrack of my life for you tonight.

Yeah, it's pretty good.

Enjoy. . .

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Opening Credits: Hysteria - Muse

Waking Up Scene: We've Only Just Begun - Run Kid Run

First Day Of Junior Year Scene: Spreading Rumors In The South - Capital Lights

Rebellion Scene: Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana

Mellow Pot Smoking Scene: Because - The Beatles

Driving Scene: When Did Your Heart Go Missing? - Rooney

Fight Scene: Slit Your Own Throat - The Used

Falling In Love Scene: Before It's Too Late - Goo Goo Dolls

Loosing Virginity Scene: Star Crossed - Scary Kids Scaring Kids

Nostalgic Scene: One Man Wrecking Machine - Guster

Dreaming About Someone Scene: Oh, It Is Love - Hellogoodbye

Angry Scene: Animal I Have Become - Three Days Grace

Break-Up Scene: Tiny Vessels - Death Cab For Cutie

Best Friend Scene: All My Friends - My American Heart

Self Destruction Scene: King Of The World - Porcelain And The Tramps

Regret Scene: Sunday, Bloody Sunday - Paramore

Chasing After Lost Love Scene: Spotlight - Mutemath

Reborn Romance Scene: Blind - Lifehouse

Sex Scene: Change (In The House Of Flies) - Deftones

"I'll Come Back For You" Scene: My Saving Grace - Armor For Sleep

Chase Scene: Hang 'Em High - My Chemical Romance

Final Battle Scene: Dragging Dead Bodies In Blue Bags Up Really Steep Hills - Escape The Fate

Death Scene: My December - Linkin Park

Funeral Scene: Rooftop - Melissa McLelland

Optimistic Final Scene: Not Alone - Augustana

Ending Credits: 37mm - AFI

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Yeah, I hope you liked that.

Goodnight.

I Watch The Rain Make A Puddle To Get You Soaked. . .

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 06:08:42 GMT

I wish people would realize that I don't want them in my mind. It's mine for a reason.

I went to the doctor today, after my mom found out that I stopped taking my Prozac, she got pissed and called my doctor and had me put back on it. Sometimes, I think the medicine is just a shield for her. It makes me into someone that I'm not, and, she enjoys getting away from the real me.

I'm always asked by doctors;

"Do you believe you have ever been suicidal?"

No, I do not.

"Have you ever had suicidal thoughts?"

Surely not.

"Are you happy?"

Of course, I am.

All of those answers were lies. Clearly the doctors aren't as clever as they believe. I've tricked everyone into thinking I'm something I'm not, simply because I'm sick of that broken record of questions.

Why do adults assume that therapy can help everything? If their kids are fucked up in anyway, it's straight to a telephone to search for the perfect psychiatrist to fix their broken child.

I can't open up to adults. I'm not sure why, but, I just can't. If I had to guess, I think it's because I've been let down by so many of them in the past.

I need help, but, I'm not willing to accept it. For once, I'm asking for the help that I need, but, I can't open up to someone I don't trust, and, I no longer trust anyone.

Is it possible to stab yourself in the back?

I wish I could go back to the beginning of May and fix everything that I have destroyed over the course of the summer.

If all we do is go forward in time, isn't there a way to go backwards?

Are we all insane?

Am I insane?

Lately, The Weather Has Been So Bipolar, And Consequently, So Have I. . .

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 03:13:29 GMT

Wow. . .

It's been a while since I've updated, I guess.

I've been really busy.

After I stopped writing, a lot had happened to me;

- A close friend of mine attempted suicide and was hospitalized.
- A went to Myrtle beach for a week.
- I'm now engaged.
- I've been spending a lot more time with my friends.
- I went to North Carolina for a week. (Speaking of which, Derek, when you read this, look... I finally updated.)

Is it terrible that I don't mind losing a friend that I owe everything to? We've out grown each other, I guess, and in the end, began to detest each other.

But, yeah, I've been good, which isn't something that I'm not accustomed to saying.

I start at Morgantown High in two weeks. I'm nervously excited. I know I'll like it, I've made some new friends already, which, is definitely a positive thing.

I got a partial tour of the school on Monday, but, the main building is still under construction. So, like, double-you tee fuck?

I got my hair kind of cut last night. It's pretty much the best my hair has ever looked in my entire life, I'm dying it darker red next week, and, putting blonde streaks in my bangs and underneath.

Yeah, I know, sounds awesome, right?

Haha.

But, anyway, I'm going to stop right now.

And, I'll be updating later this week with how I've been.

Goodnight.

Don't Break My Heart And I Won't Break Your Heart-Shaped Glasses. . .

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 03:51:01 GMT

Oh, what a week.

Summer school is pretty suckular. But, that's what I get for being unstable and avoiding school for almost a month and a half, first-semester. Well, at least, I've made some friends there.

But, anyway, it's still Algebra.

Yeah, I sit beside this kid named Trevor. He is pretty fucking awesome. Hopefully we become friends.

Day after day, I'm regretting living in this house. I can't take the attention that they constantly give me. They don't understand that I'm the kind of person who doesn't want attention. I've tried telling them, but, it's no use.

I miss my friends in Hundred.

Note: I miss my FRIENDS not the town.

I hung out with my sister for the first time in God knows how long, today.

I miss her a lot.

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Uhm... So, I fell asleep last night and didn't finish.

But, anyway, other than hanging out with my sister yesterday, my day was boring, I was the only one home. Everyone else was out of town, so, it was just me until 1:00 AM when Jess got home from work, then, we watched the Degrassi marathon, of course.

Haha.

But, yeah.

So, my week, has been... Fairly okay.

Summer school and hanging out with Jess, that's about it.

Amber came up Thursday, we went shopping for her college stuff, and, yes, everyone needs purple and black checkered pants for college!

Haha.

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Oh my God, are you serious?

This post has taken me three days to complete...

Wow...

I just got home from school, pretty interesting day, if you're into the whole, get your ass out of bed at 6:30 AM thing.

Whatevskis.

I'm sick of the ignorance that surrounds me everyday.

I need to be somewhere else, where people at least pretend to appreciate me.

I'm absolutely sick of hiding who I truly am and running from all my problems.

I'm sick of constantly being numb, I need to find some meaning to this life.

I've always been known as someone who leads a meaningful life, I'm always the person who has a plan and knows who he is...

I have no idea who I am anymore.

And, I hate it...

Whatever, I'm going to go for the night.

Goodnight.

Your Head Will Collapse. But, There's Nothing In It, So You Ask Yourself. . .

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 03:24:32 GMT

Just like the subject says...

There's really nothing much going on up there.

Haha.

But, I'll have a nice entry for you tomorrow...

I Watched Helpless As You Turned Around To Leave. . .

Sat, 14 Jun 2008 04:45:29 GMT

So. . .

Uhm. . .

I've had a pretty interesting week. Sorry I haven't been here to update you, I completely forgot about Live Journal, to be honest.

But, anyway, here's how my week has been. We'll start with Saturday.

I went to my old babysitter's wedding, it was nice. Sure, whatever. . .

Then, I went to my friend Aaron Yermasek's graduation party and got very drunk. I really don't remember anything past 9:30. And, I got there at 8:00. So, that pretty much speaks for itself. I do remember Chris Allen and I downing two bottles of vanilla Smirnoff, though. I woke up Sunday morning, still pretty drunk. Everyone else was passed out all over the place, so, Chris and I went back to my house and sobered up. Don't worry, we had a ride.

But, anyway, after we sobered up and took showers we went to Amber's party. It was a good party, no alcohol, which, I was very relieved about. Just a night of video games and reliving memories. It was probably the last time we'll all be together, but, it was a good way to end it.

I moved to Morgantown, Monday morning.

Amber and Leigh Ann stayed on Tuesday, it was pretty fun. We rented a movie called Teeth... Uhm... It's very... Well... Alright, the girl's vagina has teeth. Just rent the movie. It's random, but, worth your time.

Last night, I went shopping and went to Sam's apartment to watch some movies and go swimming.

And, that's been my week.

So. . .

Uhm. . .

Sure.

Great, my leg is asleep.

I'll update tomorrow night.

Goodnight.

For One Moment, I Wish You'd Hold Your Stage. . .

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 05:06:03 GMT

So, like I said. . .

Feeling pretty damn emorific tonight. Graduation, I'll admit, I didn't cry. . .

Okay, seriously, two tears. . .

Maybe.

But, it's okay, I'll be okay.

I went to Amber's after graduation.

Yeah. . .

Other than graduation, today was uberly dull.

Are you serious?

That's it?

Well, you'll probably be getting an interesting post on Sunday night informing you on my weekend.

Until then. . .

Goodnight.

The Stars In Your Eyes Are Burning You Alive. . .

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 03:21:34 GMT

Yeah, I haven't updated in about a week. . .

I've had a really full and interesting week, I guess. . .

I went to Kennywood on Monday. Pretty hackin' great. Haha. Sadly, it was my last band trip with the Hundred High School band. As much as I say I hate that school, I'm going to miss it. And, some of the people.

Finals started on Tuesday, I got a ninety whatever on my Earth Science exam, and, had it not been for Logan McDiffitt, I would have slept through my entire World History exam. Thank God he cared enough about my grade to wake me up. Haha.

Today was my art final, I spent forty-five minutes on an advertisement for an All Time Low and Paramore concert. Haha. It looked pretty good.

Uhm. . . Yeah, I've just been taking my finals and sleeping all week.

Luckily, this weekend is full. I've got graduation, which is going to cause me to be depressed for quite some time. Saturday, I've got a wedding, which I really don't even want to go to, but, that night I'm going to Aaron Yermasek's graduation party, so, whoo! And, Sunday afternoon is Amber Kennedy's graduation party, which will be depressing. Then, Sunday, I'm moving in with my mom.

I'm having mixed feelings about moving out. I just don't know. Like, I want to get out of here, but, I also don't really want to live with her, because, I know as soon as I move in there she's going to completely change. The only reason I decided to move in is because, my friend Jess moved in last month do to relationship/family problems. If she weren't living there, I probably would be staying in Hundred.

Eh. . . Oh well.

I want to find something to do right now. . .

Burning stuff sounds nice.

Well, I'm going to end this entry, I'm sure tomorrow's entry will be filled with emorific feelings, because, I'm going to feeling pretty shitty after graduation.

OH! I found an Alabama quarter today! My search is over! I've been searching for that damn thing for four months. Yes, I found my Helen Keller quarter. I am not letting it out of my sight.

Goodnight.

Get Your Gun And Meet Me By The Door. . .

Wed, 28 May 2008 14:20:25 GMT

I'd like to know who I am. . .

I've completely changed ever since the clock struck twelve on January 1, 2008. It wasn't even a New Year's resolution to change my way, it just seemed to have happened. I mean, of course, I've grown up, that's a given, but, I changed like, immediately after I came out as bisexual in February... But, a lot of people do, right?

And, you're probably reading this thinking, "Is this all he does? Just complain about his life constantly?" No, that's not all I ever do, I just get into these moods.

I'm worried about who I'm becoming.

I mean, I know I've never been the nicest guy around or the "Boy Next Door", but, I was never like this. It's just my depression and or my bipolar disorder talking, I don't know. Maybe this is me, maybe I'm just not supposed to be happy. Every time I seem to be happy, something else in my life is ruined and I just lose it.

Just write me off and give up on me, I guess.

I need to get out of here, be somewhere new, where I know people appreciate me.

Whoever reads this, you should feel honored, I don't just let people into my mind like this. I'm mainly letting you read this, because, I simply have no idea who you are, and, chances are, I'll never speak to or meet you. Unless you add me on Myspace or something. But, let's face it, who actually meets in person after meeting on Myspace?

Erm. . . I'm just rambling.

Goodbye.

We're So Starving. . .

Wed, 28 May 2008 04:01:28 GMT

I'm going to stop opening up to people. . .

I'm going to stick to the people that I know I can truly trust. . . I'm sick of getting fucked over.

Yeah.

End of that rant. . .

I wish I didn't have these friendships that are such long distance it's ridiculous.

Such as Brandon Matzke, one of the greatest guys ever. This kid has saved my life in numerous occasions. If he even knew how many times he's saved me from myself, he'd be surprised. However, he lives in Wisconsin , so, what the hell? I love you, Brandon, and, thanks for everything.

Then of course, there's the worst form of a long distance relationship ever, between my girlfriend and I. . .

We see each other once a month, if we're lucky. What kind of relationship is that? And, we'd be able to see each other more if our parents took us seriously. I mean, my dad and step-mom have no idea how serious we truly are. . . And, my mom knows, but, she probably just thinks our relationship is about sex. . . I mean, yes, I love sex, but, no, that's not why we're together. . .

She's my everything, I can't imagine life without her. And, if people could realize that, they'd probably look at us very differently.

I love you, Michelle Lynn Bragg. ♥

So, today was pretty boring.

Uhm. . . School is just boring without the seniors there. Especially when all of my friends are seniors except for a few. Logan McDiffitt, Taralyn Phillips, and Samantha Wade are the three I'll miss the most when I move. But, I'm going to be back in town for football games, theater performances, basketball games, etc. . . I just won't be in school with them.

*Shrugs*

I just want to stop time. It's not that I like how things are in my life right now, it's that I don't want to move forward, in all honesty, I just don't have the motivation.

Eh. . . It's alright.

I'm going to go to bed.

Goodnight to the 1+ people who will read this.

I'm pretty sure I'm wasting my time.

We'll Find Another Way To Dance. . .

Tue, 27 May 2008 05:14:53 GMT

Yeah, I'm new to this. . .

This is my first entry.

I'm probably wasting my time, though, honestly, who's going to read this?

Anyway. . .

I'm not going to overload whoever reads this with a huge list and story about my day, I'm just going to say one simple thing. . .

I miss my old life. But, I can't just sit here and wait for the world to change.

I'm moving in with my mom next weekend. I'm still unsure on the whole situation, I mean, sure, I'm ready for a change of pace, a school five times the size of mine compared to the student body? Yeah, it's one hell of a change, but, I'm going to do it.

But, no matter how much I say I hate this shit town, I'm going to miss it.

Eh. . . Oh, well.

I'm pretty lost at the moment. It seems there are only a few people getting me through life anymore. . . I just don't really know who I am anymore. I used to be so aware of who I was.

If I were to compare myself to one person right now, I'd choose Icarus.

I just feel like I'm falling and falling constantly with nothing to grab a hold of to stop myself from crashing to whatever is destined for me at the bottom.

I think it's obvious that I'm afraid of what fate has prophesied for me.

I love how I said I wasn't going to overload you with my thoughts. . .

Sorry.

But, I'm going to bed and sleep off some of whatever this feeling is.